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Chapter 23: All These Years, What He Lost Was Not Only Li Rong, But Also Himself

After Li Rong finished speaking, she raised her hand to pour water for Pei Wenxuan. Pei Wenxuan almost choked and struggled to push the cup away, urgently saying, “What are you doing!”

“Feeling more spirited?”

Li Rong smiled and stood up, saying to the people around, “Help him up, let’s go.”

With that, Li Rong got on the carriage first, and others helped Pei Wenxuan onto the carriage before stepping back.

The carriage started moving, clattering away. Li Rong sat inside, wearing the dancer’s costume and draped in Pei Wenxuan’s clothes. Her posture was graceful and elegant, and with every move, she unknowingly exuded an indescribable charm.

Once inside the carriage, Pei Wenxuan, seeing Li Rong’s appearance, composed himself. After a brief pause, he averted his gaze, pretending not to have seen anything, and went to the opposite side of Li Rong. Closing his eyes, he lay down as if nothing had happened.

“Wouldn’t you even ask where I want to take you?”

Li Rong, seeing Pei Wenxuan playing dead, asked with a smile. Pei Wenxuan kept his eyes closed and said lightly, “Anyway, you won’t drag me to my death.”

“So confident?”

Li Rong chuckled, “You seem to have a lot of confidence in me now.”

“You could just kill me now, and then go marry into the royal family. Who knows, you might get to wear these Persian dancer clothes for a long time.”

Listening to Pei Wenxuan’s disdain for the clothes, Li Rong couldn’t help but glance down at herself. Then she said, “I think these clothes look pretty good, why do you have so many objections?”

Pei Wenxuan was about to speak when Li Rong immediately reminded him, “You must not bring up anything vulgar with me. I remember when we were young, you told me that these clothes suited me very well. Quite exotic.”

This sentence left Pei Wenxuan speechless. All his words couldn’t come out or go down for a while. After a long silence, he finally said, “I don’t think it’s suitable now.”

Li Rong sarcastically smiled, “Pei Wenxuan, you were quite a playboy when you were young. Now you’re almost like those old, miserable guys.”

When they were young, Pei Wenxuan, unlike the well-known gentlemanly charm of Su Rongqing, was said to be reserved, taciturn, and even conservative.

But in reality, he would accompany her to stroll around the lanterns during the Lantern Festival, watch her enjoy dressing up as these Persian dancers, covering her face with a veil and joining the crowd to dance. At that time, he could still praise her with a smile, saying that no one looked better than her. After the dance, when the cold wind blew, he would silently put his hand on her shoulder, using his wide sleeves to shield her from the cold.

Then she blinked and asked him, “Aren’t you angry?”

Pei Wenxuan smiled at her in his arms, “Seeing the prosperity of the peony in the capital, I’m so delighted. Why would I be angry?”

Li Rong raised an eyebrow, and Pei Wenxuan knew it was a warning not to tease her. So, he adjusted his tone and said gently, “There was a bit of dissatisfaction in my heart, but seeing you happy, I suddenly don’t feel dissatisfied anymore. Moreover, logically speaking,” Pei Wenxuan’s tone became serious, “everything belongs to Your Highness. I shouldn’t have a say, as long as I accompany you.”

These words made Li Rong happy, and she said, “Everything of mine is mine. What about you?”

Pei Wenxuan, seeing the joy in Li Rong’s eyes, fanned himself while embracing the girl, walking on the bustling streets of Hua Jing. He smiled and said, “Apart from morality, family, and old friends, everything of Pei Wenxuan belongs to Your Highness.”

“Morality, family, old friends,” Li Rong repeated, somewhat displeased. “If you exclude these, what do you have left?”

“If these are not excluded,” Pei Wenxuan sighed, “my life only belongs to Your Highness. Wouldn’t I become an unfaithful, unfilial, and unjust person? Does Your Highness like such a person?”

Li Rong thought about it and realized that she didn’t like it, and deep down, she knew that if there was such a relationship, she wouldn’t be able to handle it.

She said it playfully, but Pei Wenxuan, being serious in his words, wasn’t pressed further. She just stopped in her tracks.

Seeing her pause, Pei Wenxuan turned to look at her. Li Rong opened her arms, tilting her chin, and said, “Forget it. Since you can give so much to me, I’ll reluctantly be a bit nicer to you.”

With that, she looked at Pei Wenxuan’s coat and said, “Put the coat on me.”

Pei Wenxuan hesitated upon hearing this. He looked at Li Rong in a daze, not knowing what he was thinking. Seeing him standing still, Li Rong urged him, “Hurry up.”

Upon hearing these words, Pei Wenxuan snapped back to reality. He took off his coat and draped it over Li Rong. At that moment, the lantern festival fireworks lit up the sky, and the crowd on the street, men and women, all looked up together. Li Rong was no exception. She quickly looked up, and as the fireworks fell into her eyes, precisely at that moment, Pei Wenxuan silently took her hand and kissed her hand as everyone gazed at the fireworks.

The kiss was fleeting, disappearing in an instant, just like the fireworks, but it left Li Rong standing in place, not returning to her senses for a long time. After all, Pei Wenxuan was usually a cautious and somewhat conservative person, and she had never dared to imagine him doing such a thing in public.

However, he remained composed, holding her hand and smiling, “Your Highness, let’s go.”

Li Rong didn’t say anything. She let him lead her, walking in front of her, and she followed his footsteps. After a while, she whispered, “Why did you kiss me in front of so many people?”

Pei Wenxuan walked ahead, and she couldn’t see his face, which was now tinted with a blush. Still, his usual clear and dignified voice carried a hint of unspoken tenderness as he softly said, “Rong Rong, I’m very happy.”

He didn’t explain much, just that he was very happy.

As for what made him happy, what brought him joy, and why there was that moment of losing composure, even he himself couldn’t explain.

Recalling the Pei Wenxuan of that time, Li Rong sighed as she looked at the person now playing dead with closed eyes. She couldn’t help but say, “Time really makes people age.”

“Said as if you’re not old.”

Hearing her reminisce about the past, Pei Wenxuan turned aside in annoyance, muttering, “Old woman.”

Li Rong lightly chuckled, “Miserable old man.”

Pei Wenxuan remained silent. He didn’t know if he had drunk too much, but listening to Li Rong talk about these things made him feel uneasy.

If not for mentioning the past so beautifully, he wouldn’t realize how wretched he is now.

It wasn’t until Li Rong reminded him that he remembered he hadn’t had the mindset of his youth for many, many years. That composed, gentle, calm, hopeful, and fearless mindset.

He remembered when he was young, he had many hobbies. He could paint, write poetry, and, when in the mood, play the zither and practice swordplay. He was a qualified young master of a prestigious family.

On clear days, he would climb mountains, or leisurely navigate the rivers and mountains. At that time, he felt that everyone in the world was good, and everything was beautiful, especially Li Rong. Every time she smiled, he felt like there would never be winter in the world.

But he himself didn’t know what happened. Arguments and separations with Li Rong, his mother’s passing, Li Rong being with Su Rongqing, Qin Zhenzhen’s death in the harem, Li Chuan’s drastic change in temperament—his power and position increased, and everything became stranger.

Every day he felt exhausted, everything was tiring. After finishing official duties each day, his greatest wish was to find a quiet place, without anyone, where he could close the door and be alone. He feared seeing people around him because every person he encountered every day either wanted to argue, cautiously please him, or maintain vigilance. Even Li Rong, when they met, was an endless stream of mockery and insults.

Day and night, year after year, this repeated. The more tired he became, the more restless he felt, and vice versa. After this repetitive cycle, he lived like a trapped beast, crashing around aimlessly every day, only to turn around now and realize that he had already battered himself, with his face unrecognizable, and bleeding.

He listened to Li Rong talk about such beautiful memories and couldn’t fall back asleep. He just kept his eyes open, staring at the swaying walls of the carriage without saying a word.

Li Rong sipped her tea. Seeing that he seemed to have fallen asleep, she picked up a ledger from the side to review. After a while, she suddenly heard Pei Wenxuan say, “Do you hate me a lot?”

Li Rong paused in her actions. After a moment, she calmly replied, “Don’t you hate me a lot too?”

Pei Wenxuan remained silent. Li Rong lowered her eyes and flipped through the pages of the book, saying, “We always argue, always say you’re not good enough. Everyone is the same. You don’t need to belittle yourself.”

Pei Wenxuan couldn’t find words to respond to Li Rong’s remarks. Sensing that he might be thinking of something, Li Rong tried to console him, “You’ve had some alcohol, your mind isn’t working well. Don’t overthink it, go to sleep. Tomorrow we’ll go to Jiulu Mountain to find Qin Lin. According to the timeline, news of the Yang family being besieged will reach the front line soon. The people from the Yang family on the front line will surely cause some trouble. Chuan’er might have to go over soon. Before that, we need to convince Qin Lin to accompany Chuan to the front line.”

Pei Wenxuan, hearing Li Rong calmly discussing the situation with him, responded almost instinctively, “I know Qin Lin well. What he fears the most is actually Cui Qinghe… Let’s assess the situation at Jiulu Mountain tomorrow. No need to worry for now.”

“Hmm.” Li Rong received these words, flipped through the account book, and said, “Go to sleep. When we arrive at the princess’s mansion, I’ll wake you up.”

Seeing that Li Rong didn’t want to continue, Pei Wenxuan didn’t say anything more. He closed his eyes and fell into a drowsy sleep.

In his dream, he found himself during the three years of mourning in Luzhou. Though he had no official position at that time, he lived freely. During pleasant weather, he would take a jug of wine, a flute, and row down the river. He would find a shady spot on the lake to sleep in the afternoon. Upon returning, he would pick some lotus seeds and give them to children he met on the way. If it was the season of lotus blossoms, he would also bring a lotus flower and casually give it to a girl he encountered that day.

He couldn’t help but laugh in his dream. Then, he heard fireworks bursting in the dream, followed by eighteen-year-old Li Rong dressed as a Persian dancer, wearing a veil and blending into the crowd, imitating the movements of those around her.

Her waist was slender, moving like a snake. As she danced, the sequins hanging at her waist gently swayed, outlining a captivating yet elusive charm. Her eyes were bright, gazing at him through the crowd. Even with half her face covered, one could still perceive her cat-like proud and lively smile.

He watched the girl from a distance through the crowd and couldn’t help but smile.

Somehow, the girl walked up to him, wearing his clothes, smiling at him with full of charm.

“Pei Wenxuan,” she called his name. After calling it, she didn’t say anything else, just silently looked at him.

Then, a young man appeared beside her, with a gentle demeanor. He stood quietly with her. His features resembled Pei Wenxuan, but his temperament was completely different.

“Pei Wenxuan,” Li Rong smiled, “I’m leaving.”

Saying that, Li Rong and the young man held hands, and their figures slowly dissolved. Pei Wenxuan faintly heard people calling him, “Lord Pei? Young Master Pei? Pei Wenxuan? Pei, you dog!”

Pei Wenxuan slowly opened his eyes amidst these calls, seeing Li Rong looking down at him, gently patting his face, saying, “Are you dizzy or sleeping? Hurry up and get up, we’re leaving.”

Pei Wenxuan, still in a daze, regained his senses. He pretended to be calm and nodded slowly, getting up gradually.

Li Rong sized him up, and seeing that he was awake, she said, “I’ll go down first, take your time.”

Saying that, Li Rong got off the carriage, and Pei Wenxuan took a moment before getting up and also disembarking.

Then, the two looked up and saw the plaque of the princess’s mansion.

This was the place they had lived for many years, and both were extremely familiar with it. However, after experiencing life and death and coming back to stand in front of the gate, there was a touch of indescribable transition.

They exchanged a glance, and Li Rong smiled, “We’re back.”

Pei Wenxuan also smiled. He lowered his head and gently said, “Let’s go in.”

Li Rong rarely visited the Princess’s Mansion. As soon as she arrived, the entire mansion lit up, becoming lively.

Li Rong and Pei Wenxuan went to the backyard together. Pei Wenxuan was assigned to another room. As he looked at this familiar yet unfamiliar place, he listened to Li Rong skillfully giving instructions, “Plant a peach tree here, move the red maple over to the east garden, change all the incense in the room to the fragrant wood of the Luo family, and that vase…”

Li Rong planned to make quite a few changes. They walked all the way to the entrance of the backyard, and a servant said to Pei Wenxuan, “Young Master, this way, please.”

Pei Wenxuan nodded, bidding farewell to Li Rong, “Your Highness, I’ll go and rest first.”

“Sure,” Li Rong casually nodded and then turned to the steward, “And that rose over there…”

As Pei Wenxuan listened to Li Rong’s words, he walked along the long corridor. He watched the moonlight falling on the corridor and listened to Li Rong’s incessant voice. After a few steps, he stopped. Turning around, he saw Li Rong still wearing the dancer’s clothes, draped in his robe, yet very imposing as she directed people.

Her demeanor was different from her youth, yet seemingly unchanged.

Pei Wenxuan watched silently for a moment and couldn’t help but smile.

Suddenly, he spoke out, “Your Highness!”

Li Rong turned around, and Pei Wenxuan was standing in the corridor.

He looked at her and suddenly said, “Actually, that outfit looks pretty good on you.”

Li Rong was taken aback for a moment, then she saw Pei Wenxuan placing his hands in front of him, bowing, and saying gently, “Good night, Your Highness.”

In that moment, Li Rong felt a brief sense of confusion, as if she had glimpsed the twenty-year-old Pei Wenxuan, yet not quite.

She couldn’t help but lightly pat her own face.

“I need to go to sleep early.”

She murmured.

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