Chapter 177: In Love, After All

A round wooden rolling pin was rolling on the cutting board, skillfully turned by one hand, making the dough gradually thinner under the pulling and pressing.

Madam Jiang intended to simply cook a pot of wontons.

However, as she was rolling the dough, she heard crying from the study, which made her pause and look out the window with some concern and hesitation.

Her son, who was usually like a block of wood, had hardly any interactions with women.

That Miss Jiang…

Could she be the one rumored to have some connection with him?

At the time, Madam Jiang thought it was just a rumor.

The neighbors joked about it, and she would say that if there was really something going on, given her son’s silent and reserved nature, he must have liked her for a long time and would eventually marry her.

She didn’t expect the girl to come to their door.

Seeing her son’s dejected look, she knew he cared a lot about the girl, but his indifferent attitude made her, as his mother, angry, as if she had swallowed bitter herbs.

She didn’t know what was said, but it made the girl cry.

Madam Jiang found the girl pleasing to the eye and didn’t think the girl was bad for her son. Instead, she thought her son was stubborn and clueless.

The water on the stove was boiling.

The dough was rolled out.

She calculated the time, fearing that the girl hadn’t eaten breakfast when she came in the morning. Not wanting to ask too many questions, she decided to make more wontons, quickly wrapping them one by one, and waited for the water to boil before putting them in.

The crying in the study gradually subsided after a while.

Jiang Xuening sat on the ground, hugging her knees, her empty gaze falling on the corner of Zhang Zhe’s cold-colored sleeve, feeling the whims of fate.

She once thought that being reborn would allow her to make up for everything and start over.

But how could she have known—

The person she cared about the most and didn’t want to hurt also came back with memories?

While she cried, Zhang Zhe didn’t say a word, just stayed by her side, letting her sobs tear at his heart, giving him a strong sense of being alive.

Only pain and suffering are the most profound.

And only when facing her did those deeply suppressed emotions—joy, anger, sorrow, greed, hatred, and delusion—surface, making him feel them day by day, unable to extricate himself.

But the cost of losing control was too tragic.

Even recalling it seemed to be covered in a layer of blood.

That night in the long palace corridor, she lowered her eyes, humbled herself, tugged at his sleeve, and lied, saying she would be a good person from then on, just begging him to help her.

The palace was full of dangers.

Xiao Shu was pregnant, and she was fiercely fighting with the Xiao family, too deeply involved to withdraw, and losing meant death.

Zhou Yinzhi was her confidant.

Ruthless and cunning, he formed cliques for personal gain.

Whether by law or reason, Zhang Zhe had no reason to let this person go. He should take advantage of the fact that the other party’s corruption and selling of official positions had been exposed and capture them all in one fell swoop, to live up to his years of upholding the law and maintaining integrity.

But on the day of the trial by the three judicial offices, he sat high in the court, looking at the evidence of crimes on the dossier, holding the pen but unable to bring it down for a long time—

Once convicted, Zhou Yinzhi would certainly be eliminated, but Jiang Xuening was deeply tied to him.

If Zhou Yinzhi fell, it would mean her death.

He was not only judging a case but also deciding her life and death!

That was the first time in nearly ten years of Zhang Zhe’s official career that he couldn’t bring himself to write, and it was also the only time he acted out of personal interest…

And then there was no turning back.

He could never forget the moment in the prison, filled with the stench of decay and blood, when a familiar jailer, with reluctance, secretly handed him medicine and told him the news of his mother’s death…

Madam Jiang lived alone and was already in poor health. Upon hearing that he was imprisoned, she was heartbroken but forced herself to seek justice for him, knocking on every injustice drum in the yamen, crying and telling people: “I know my son, he couldn’t have done such things! He is an honest official, a good official, he swore in front of his father’s memorial tablet…”

But no one listened.

She had no one to take care of her at home, and one morning, she fell down the steps and never got up again.

It took seven or eight days for the neighbors to notice something was wrong. They climbed a ladder to look into the courtyard and found her. When they broke in, she was already…

Zhang Zhe never dared to think about that scene.

As a minister, he was disloyal;

As a son, he was unfilial!

Not to mention being filial in front of his mother, even his mother’s funeral was handled by his colleagues who risked great danger, while he, the son who owed his mother so much, couldn’t even be there to see her off.

Jiang Xuening sat dejectedly, motionless, and asked him with a dead heart, “Master Zhang, you must have hated me, right?”

Zhang Zhe said, “I did.”

Jiang Xuening said, “It should be so.”

Zhang Zhe was silent for a while, then slowly said, “But how could I hate you? It was I who was disloyal, I who was unfilial; it was I who loved you, and I who harmed you. In the end, I could only resent myself. Your Highness, how could Zhang Zhe be so good? He was infatuated with you, abandoned his principles, disregarded the law, and became a muddle-headed, ordinary person in this chaotic world. Don’t think about him anymore; he is just a coward who doesn’t dare to love again. He is not worth it.”

Jiang Xuening hugged her knees, shaking and sobbing, “No, it’s me who is not worth it…”

She was too bad.

Living in the abyss, she envied his loftiness, jealous of his integrity, and reached out to pull him down from the high mountain peak, dragging him into the bottomless hell, destroying everything he had. Even if she wanted to repay with her life, how could she make up for it?

Between them lay the divide of good and evil, rebellion and filial piety, and the undeserved imprisonment, brutal punishment, and even living lives…

Even if they were both reborn, what could they do?

The past was too painful, too tragic, making her uneasy even in her dreams. How much more torment would Zhang Zhe feel when he occasionally remembered?

Even immortal couples quarrel.

Even if she and Zhang Zhe were together, how could they be sure that they wouldn’t hurt each other by revealing old scars or unintentionally hurting each other in a moment of displeasure?

Both of them remembered the past, too fragile.

Jiang Xuening said, “You didn’t want me to know that you were also reborn because you didn’t want me to feel guilty and wanted me to be at ease. But the one I love is you. How can I not pursue you, not seek you out? I thought I could start over, but I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I didn’t expect that all your efforts would be in vain. You know me too well, Zhang Zhe…”

Zhang Zhe remained silent.

Jiang Xuening felt more sorrowful than ever, “You are not a coward, I am.”

If two people were to be together, how could Zhang Zhe keep such a secret from her for a lifetime?

How could she bear it if she found out later?

But if he told her early…

How could she love him, think of him, and pursue him with a clear conscience and without guilt?

In her previous life, how she treated Xie Wei was how she would treat Zhang Zhe in this life.

In her previous life, she became the high and mighty empress, but Xie Wei knew that she was just a crude and ignorant country girl who had come to the capital with him. So she despised Xie Wei. If it weren’t for his high position and power, she might have found a reason to exile him from the capital, not wanting to remember those past events.

In this life, she wanted to be a good person again, but the reborn Zhang Zhe had seen all her bad and disgraceful sides. She clearly loved this person, but she had caused him to be imprisoned, his widowed mother to die, and his reputation to be ruined. Seeing him made her feel bad, thinking of him made her feel guilty. How could she bear the torment and always want to see him?

She despised Xie Wei;

She felt guilty towards Zhang Zhe.

But essentially, there was no difference. She didn’t want to face her disgraceful past self and didn’t dare to get close to Zhang Zhe even one step.

Jiang Xuening looked up at him and realized that the cold face and calm eyes in front of her were exactly the same as in her previous life.

And his handwriting was the same as later.

There were so many clues, but she hadn’t noticed any of them.

But…

A sudden fear rose in her heart. Jiang Xuening’s long eyelashes were soaked with tears, and her voice trembled as she asked him, “No, that’s not right. That day, they forced the palace, and those upright officials in the court all petitioned for me to be buried with the emperor and to hand over the Imperial Seal. I agreed, and Xie Wei also promised me that he wouldn’t kill you. How could you be reborn like me…”

How could he be reborn like her?

At this moment, a sudden hatred emerged in her heart. Her body tensed, and she was about to get up, “He broke his promise, Xie Ju’an broke his promise to me!”

However, a broad and strong hand gently held her back.

Zhang Zhe silently raised his eyes.

He only remembered the words spoken by the Grand Tutor, who had already overturned the court and swept through the six directions, when he came to his neglected prison cell, speaking as if it were a breeze… He gazed at Jiang Xuening.

His hand still held hers.

After a long time, he slowly said, “No.”

Xie Ju’an did not break his promise.

Jiang Xuening was stunned, looking down at Zhang Zhe.

In his clear eyes, her figure was reflected.

But her mind was in chaos.

Until a thought crossed her mind, her throat felt as if it were filled with sand and knives, and tears rolled down her cheeks as she said with difficulty, “You…”

If Xie Ju’an did not break his promise to her, then there was only one possibility—

Zhang Zhe quietly said, “The state has laws, and the family has rules. When a prince breaks the law, he is punished like a commoner. Zhang Zhe is a criminal, and the verdict has been written. The crime is determined by law, and the punishment is carried out by law. Emotions cannot override the law. I have made enough mistakes, and the crime deserves execution. Why should I be spared?”

No one had the heart to write the verdict for him.

So he wrote it himself.

The charges and laws were all complete, approved for execution in the autumn. When he was pushed onto the execution platform, the world was vast, and with the fall of the guillotine, his head was separated from his body, and blood splattered three feet.

Jiang Xuening finally couldn’t stand and fell back down, staring blankly out the window.

Yes.

That was Zhang Zhe.

She had used her past favor to coerce Xie Wei into sparing Zhang Zhe, but Zhang Zhe had upheld the law all his life. How could he be ashamed of anyone? Since he had personally written his verdict, he admitted his guilt. Even when faced with life and death, he would choose the latter.

That’s why she liked him.

Jiang Xuening suddenly felt very tired. She blinked and asked, “Did Xie Wei eventually get what he wanted and become emperor?”

It was more of a sigh than a question.

After all, with Xie Ju’an’s abilities, destroying the Xiao family, exterminating the royal family, and staining half of the capital with blood, obtaining the Imperial Seal and ascending the throne should have been easy.

But unexpectedly, Zhang Zhe was silent for a long time before saying, “No.”

Jiang Xuening thought she had misheard.

She looked at Zhang Zhe.

Zhang Zhe recalled the events he had heard about during his imprisonment and execution in his previous life and said, “It’s all in the past. Your Highness, those answers are no longer important.”

Jiang Xuening felt as if she were in a dream.

Madam Jiang had already cooked the wontons and, after much hesitation, knocked on the door from a distance.

Jiang Xuening hurriedly got up, feeling embarrassed.

She really had no face to face this woman who had been implicated and lost her family because of her in her previous life. She didn’t dare to stay long, wiped her tears, and was about to leave. But Zhang Zhe held her back and said, “Stay and have breakfast with us. Mother must have cooked for one more person.”

A bowl of ordinary wontons, with thinly rolled dough, made with simple ingredients—just minced meat mixed with pepper and a bit of minced ginger. After cooking, they were served in a bowl, sprinkled with chopped green onions, a bit of dried shrimp, and rice vinegar.

The bowl was just an ordinary porcelain bowl.

When placed on the table, it was steaming hot.

Jiang Xuening sat at the table with Zhang Zhe and Madam Jiang like a puppet, picking up her chopsticks but feeling as if she didn’t know where she was.

Madam Jiang occasionally glanced at the two of them, worried that this well-dressed girl might not be used to such simple food, and said somewhat awkwardly, “I didn’t know we would have a guest this morning. I thought about buying fish, but it takes too long to prepare. So I just made some wontons, which are really not that presentable…”

Jiang Xuening felt a pang of sadness.

With misty eyes filled with tears, she said, “No, Aunt, your cooking is very good.”

Zhang Zhe sat beside her, silent and reserved.

Ordinary people, a humble household, with the warmth of daily life.

Yet, there was a pervasive warmth and affection.

A sip of hot soup warmed her heart, and Jiang Xuening vaguely understood why he wanted her to stay for this meal—it was to help her let go. As she ate the wontons one by one, the more she ate, the more tears fell.

Zhang Zhe knew she was used to fine and delicate food, eating small portions frequently, often troubling the palace chefs, and her appetite was never large.

But she had eaten more than half a bowl and hadn’t stopped.

He felt an inexplicable anger, unable to bear seeing her torment herself like this. He reached out and took her chopsticks, placing them aside, and spoke softly, “That’s enough, don’t eat anymore.”

Jiang Xuening pressed down on her heart, finding it hard to face.

Madam Jiang noticed something was wrong and quickly put down her bowl and chopsticks, saying, “Yes, our small household doesn’t have many rules. I was just worried that you might be hungry since you came so early, so I made more. If you can’t finish, just leave it. It’s not impolite.”

It would have been better if she hadn’t spoken.

As soon as she did, Jiang Xuening burst into tears.

Madam Jiang hurriedly said, “Oh dear, don’t cry, don’t cry! I knew it, my son has been solitary and taciturn since his father passed away early. He’s not likable, and although I focused on his studies, no one taught him how to please girls! Please don’t cry, if you’ve been wronged, tell me, and I’ll make sure to scold him!”

Jiang Xuening cried and laughed, “Master Zhang is really bad.”

Zhang Zhe watched her quietly, his heart aching.

Madam Jiang, unaware of their complicated past, glared at Zhang Zhe and said, “Tell Aunt everything, don’t keep it to yourself. There’s no obstacle in this world that can’t be overcome. I’ll make him apologize to you.”

Jiang Xuening looked at Zhang Zhe and murmured dreamily, “Master Zhang’s fault is that he’s too good, you’re too good…”

Madam Jiang was stunned.

Jiang Xuening knew she had stayed long enough. She stood up and bowed deeply to Madam Jiang, her tear-washed eyes exceptionally clear, and said, “Thank you for your hospitality, Aunt. I must take my leave as I didn’t inform my family before coming out.”

Madam Jiang was puzzled.

Zhang Zhe said, “I’ll see you off.”

He walked ahead, unlatched the door, and opened the courtyard gate.

Jiang Xuening walked out with him.

The noise of the world suddenly rushed in.

She stood for a long time, then suddenly turned and hugged Zhang Zhe tightly, closing her eyes in his embrace, “Just hold me for a while.”

Zhang Zhe did not move.

Jiang Xuening said, “Master Zhang, you are so good. How can I forget you in the future?”

Zhang Zhe replied, “Find someone better.”

Jiang Xuening felt wronged, “You’re lying to me. There’s no one better than you.”

Zhang Zhe remained silent for a while before saying, “Then find someone more suitable.”

Jiang Xuening cherished this warmth.

Even in her past life, she had never been this close because she was the empress, and he was a minister. In this life, they were clearly the closest, yet also the furthest apart, because neither had the courage to love each other as if nothing had happened, despite their bloody past.

She smiled, “What I like is suitable. If I don’t like it, how can it be suitable?”

What “more suitable” could there be?

Zhang Zhe remained silent for a long time.

Jiang Xuening looked up and said, “Lower your head, and I’ll tell you a secret.”

Zhang Zhe looked at her for a moment and then lowered his head as she asked.

She stood on tiptoe and, with infinite longing, gently kissed his forehead.

This time, she overstepped her bounds.

Then she stepped back three steps and quietly smiled, “No matter what you think, ever since I met you at the summer resort and saw you foolishly avoiding suspicion, preferring to go out in the rain, I wanted to possess you. Why shouldn’t such an unromantic court official be used by me? But unfortunately, I fell for you, lost completely, and you didn’t win either. So I fancy you, not because you saved me or protected me, nor because of guilt, but because it was love at first sight.”

She thought Zhang Zhe would be stunned.

But unexpectedly, he gazed at her tenderly and even smiled, slowly saying, “I know.”

At this moment, a thousand emotions surged in her heart, endlessly flowing, but ultimately, she felt a sense of brightness.

She looked up, not wanting to shed more tears.

Pretending to be indifferent, she hummed, “You look so good when you smile, but you were always stingy with your smiles towards me in the past, never showing me a good face. I’m leaving!”

Zhang Zhe said, “Alright.”

Jiang Xuening added, “Although there are few girls in this world better than me, I allow you to find someone not as good, don’t treat yourself poorly, marry someone you like.”

Zhang Zhe also said, “Alright.”

But he didn’t tell her: There are many girls in this world with better temperaments than you, but I don’t love them, and I don’t want to marry them.

After finishing her words, Jiang Xuening said again, “I’m really leaving.”

Zhang Zhe still said, “Alright.”

Jiang Xuening scolded him, “You’re unromantic, stubborn, and a blockhead! Anyone who falls for you is unlucky, infatuated, and blind!”

Zhang Zhe didn’t retort.

Jiang Xuening stomped her foot and left.

But Zhang Zhe stood behind, watching her walk tensely for a dozen steps. When she reached the alley entrance, she finally couldn’t hold it in, her shoulders shook, and she raised her sleeve to wipe her face.

People passing by looked at her in surprise.

She walked out of the alley, her figure illuminated by the pale daylight, gradually swallowed by the crowd and noise.

Zhang Zhe felt as if his heart had been hollowed out.

Madam Jiang came out, looked for a long time, and then cautiously said, “I think that girl is very nice.”

Zhang Zhe quietly said, “She is very nice.”

But ultimately, she wasn’t his.

Madam Jiang followed his gaze but was left bewildered.

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